Why Pursue Magic?

Why did I pursue magic? One obvious answer might be that I did so in order to attain my desires. While this may be a common motivation for many individuals, I now think that initially I began to pursue the study of magic in earnest not to get those things I desired but, somewhat paradoxically, in order to get those things that I did not yet desire. For whatever reason I thought magic would be a valuable tool to assist me in evoking or manifesting things in my life. Learning to evoke was important because I had reached a point in my life where I just accepted every turn of fate with no resistance. Whatever happened…happened.  My path in life had functioned like a banishing ritual where the motivation to strive for or accomplish anything had been expunged from me.  Some may say that this state of being is the true goal of the mystic or contemplative. For me, however, it was what is known in Buddhist parlance as an extreme.  It was an extreme of the unconcern for practical matters. I realized that I would never be a hermit or recluse; the vows I held precluded my withdrawal and kept me bound to the world. As such, my lack of concern with practical issues needed to be redressed.  For whatever reason I chose magic as the tool that would help correct this imbalance.  To my dismay, however, my will to evoke has not increased in proportion to my magical knowledge and I now find myself with a set of untapped skills. I find myself hard put to unearth ways to employ my magic. In many ways it is easier for me to identify those things that I do not want as opposed to those things I do want. I don’t want harm to come to my family, for example. I suppose turning such negatives into positives might be helpful. The desire for safety for my family might be something I could work with.